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Things I'll Never Say
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25th-Jul-2016 08:02 am - It's been forever
It's been far too long since I have posted here.

What's been going on?

I wrecked my ankle, according to my treating doctors, they said it's 'fixed', I will tell you, from time to time, I know it's not fixed.

My friend had a baby and I'm pretty much spoiling the little guy with in reason. It helps to take care of the rising emotional guilt that I won't ever get to raise a baby. I'm grateful she and her husband allow me to. I think they understand where I stand. Of course, I get the 'fun' stuff. He's almost 2.

Speaking of almost two, I've been removed from the campus that I worked at for ten years. I need to start off by saying: I did cause some of the issue. A new supervisor was brought in, and yes, I knew life would be different. I didn't count on how different. I sensed from around September, she resented something in me. By October, I was in the principal's office for failure to be a good team player. I had already been in the office previously because I was hit rather violently by a student. And then not a week later, the same student hit me in a classroom, repeatedly. It was not an awesome month. Getting texts pretty much at all hours of the day started stressing me out from this teacher. And there was literally no where to turn. While the texts were professional, things like "Your schedule is going to change in 8 hours" was very upsetting to me. The schedule changed nearly weekly. I had said to the principal, my attitude would change if I had more than 24 hours to adjust to my schedule.

In April, the principal sat both of us down and talked. This is when I knew I was in for it. I should have asked for a union representative right then and there, but I held out until the day in April when I was dragged again up to the principal's office this time for complaining about a co-worker in front of *her* supervisor. You guessed it, I was in real hot water now. Union was called in.

Look: I can't tell you really why I didn't like this supervisor. I know a lot of things about this woman, she doesn't trust because she has some direct and indirect abuse in her life, she is a control freak, she isn't a leader. And why can I tell she isn't a leader, though in a position of authority? Because when at a meeting, my co-workers on the same level as I looked to me for answers.

As far as the things I did, the worse was complain about her in front of her supervisor. [Instead of to her supervisor in a private setting I suppose, they never did tell me, "look, if you have a problem do these steps instead"] I literally felt trapped. By January, I had the most unreliable schedule according to the teachers. I was assigned a difficult student whose parents the supervisor was bending over backwards for, but a student who had a very similar profile other than different ethnicity, he got nothing. And even as I left for the year, this was the first time I felt that ethnicity was a serious issue. Because the only other person that year who was having an issue with this supervisor was the non-European decent person. At worse, I may have been subversive, but I never had a cadre of people follow me down, I wasn't going to burn the ship. But I should have.

I cried at work. Many times that year. I had no recourse and the people who I cried in front of had no authority to point this out to the Principal.

So, I was put up as "a free agent", and taken away. Like I didn't matter. I went back to work under a previous supervisor. He took it pretty well, though there were moments that I think he questioned my work ethics. But I hope by now he's assured.

So that's all work.
Personal life hasn't gotten better really.

Though, the other day, I saw a lesbian couple holding hands and I was filled with jealousy and want. I want a relationship that I can be open about.

So yeah, lots to deal with. Thankfully I still have this here.
To steal a line from the Trevor Project: It gets better for people with autism.
Yes, the results aren’t great right now. You don’t understand why people don’t always follow the rules. You don’t understand why you can do all these amazing things but still can’t tie your shoes. You don’t understand why that cluster of peers stand on the other end of the playground and snicker and you sadly know they’re snickering at you. I know they do. I can see it in the way you bring me your backpack at the end of the school day. I can hear it in the way you introduce me to your friends.
But all I say when I kneel down to look you in the eye is “It gets better”. I know you don’t believe me. I know you can’t think about this beyond your age of eleven and seven respectively. I’ve spent time talking to you about subjects I’m barely qualified to talk about: what it means to be a good person, what it means when you take a risk to change your life, and what it means to just walk around and see the world through someone else’s eyes.
But it gets better.
It gets better because while I have to hear, “So you have autism? Does it make you a robot?” I know you will hear, “So you have autism, how can I help you do better here at work?”
It gets better because while I have to hear, “So you have autism? Don’t you want to run away screaming from this party?” I know you will have someone reach out for your hand and squeeze it a little bit tighter.
It gets better because while I have had to endure the silence of “don’t ask, don’t tell” of disabilities, there are people all around who I can point out who are successful with and without disabilities and none of that matters because they are all human. And that’s all what we’re trying to do right now.
Remind you of your fragility of humanity. Remind you that others have the right to their humanity as well. Remind you that we all come to that understanding at different places just as we are all growing up in our own time. Not on a time table based on a date of the calendar. There are times when you will just get it. There will be times when you forget it.
I will show you what a wicked sense of humor will do for you. I have shown you the patience of the butterfly. In my mind, I know statistically those taunts have fractured your future. I know that the oppression of the emotion and the fear will linger. Those bruises will never fade. I wanted to protect you like the shield I am supposed to be for you, but I also know that you in time will find your armor.
8th-Mar-2014 08:53 pm - Full Circle
I've strayed as a writer from the purpose of this journal.

I no longer write about the frustrations of my job. As a result, I've started talking with my co-workers about trying to resolve my problems. Which I thought was a good way to focus and figure out how to re-address my issues.

Turns out, that in every lightened path, there will be a dark, dank hole.

I have been disciplined at work for my behavior repeatedly this year. Some of it I know I'm over reacting to. But the rest of it I know that I did not deserve.

I'm trying to examine the repercussions of my strategies. I'm trying to rise above all of this. And I'm also looking at what the end result might be for my life. I'm really scared. And no one really understands how scared I am. I have tried explaining it to friends who I thought would understand. I'm being told to be professional, I've been told to go off and "have an adventure". And none of these are really plausible.

I'm angry, I'm scared, and I'm alone. I am having trouble trying to reconcile the issues I'm brewing with my lack of goals and path.
30th-Dec-2013 02:11 pm - Courage Of Walls
When email goes from informal to formal, I know something is screwed.

And so yet again, I have lost yet another partnership. This one was much more platonic than others, it was literally a business relationship. I saw for quite a while that I needed to be more involved. But alas, it was not to be. And I have been "broken up" with, cast aside as the 'extra' that could be removed from the equation.

I normally wouldn't write about this much but all my avenues to discussion are closed right now as it is the holidays and I can't chat about this and get myself to an acceptance.

The worse part about it was I knew the friendship had been only one sided for a while and I knew it was coming. I'm not surprised at all. I'm just saddened. And I'm not really ready to actually talk to anyone who knows us both. 2013 blows monkey chunks.
3rd-Nov-2013 02:33 pm - silence
I know I haven't posted here in a long time. Life keeps getting in the way.

I'm most recently flummoxed by the rising tide of November Thankfulness, where people online post their gratitudes for the day. In practice it is probably a really good thing. But I'm staring at a friend's post right now and trying to connect her to her gratitudes she keeps posting. And they seem false.

So who would care? Well, to be honest, no one. So I don't say anything.

And then the same friend just posted a complaint about not being able to get a flu shot. I mentioned that the major allergen was removed this year. There was a response, and it wasn't mean spirited, it was a statement of a fact. But all I could do was emotionally feel violated. Yes, I made a statement. It wasn't off the cuff. "I don't want to be an experiment."

Here's a little secret: we're all giant petridishes. No one is going to get it right. And because some of us are more medically unique than others, we need to be that test so someone else can have a shot.

Not to mention the danger she is putting her mother (over 60), her friend (pregnant), the baby to be born in a few weeks, and her young nephew (under 5). It is quite possible that the CDC has the flu shot in the wrong year. After all, it is a gamble.

But this bothered me. A lot actually. The response she gave. I almost replied publically. I almost replied privately. But my silence is deafening only to myself.

I realize the long list of things I'm silent about. I'm silent about my work. I'm silent about my personal frustrations. I'm silent about everything that bothers me and when I get here, I explode because the world isn't listening.

And then I do nothing about it other than "post" and move on. Even my followers don't seem to care. They don't reply to me. They don't acknowledge my work. I doubt even my company page has gotten any attention lately despite my agressive tweeting, hashtagging, Facebooking, and Google+-ing. (I admit, I'm bad at Google+..but still...).

I realize there are a million outlets in the world for my attention. There are million outlets in the world for someone else's attention. It would be nice if they lined up sometimes.

But then again: I can't ask. I won't tell. It's the worse part of being gay when no one notices.
14th-Oct-2013 10:07 pm - The power of the closet
I didn't read the entire article, but I thought about the parts that I did read, about National Coming Out Day, and how the closet is important, not for the people who have accepted their gender preferences, but for the people who have yet to find their way.

I admit: I am jealous, very jealous of people who have found their way. I want that for myself.

But the closet is not the confinement. It is the recognition that i just need to be comfortable in my own space, in my own skin.

The closet is safe. The closet understands that there are social pressures, even when there isn't a closet. There are limits.

The closet isn't a huge metaphor. It is the reality. Parts of my life are still very significantly gender blind. And that's okay. I want to be invisible, but I still exist in reality. I can't have everything all at the same time.

And that's what the closet is for.
5th-Sep-2013 04:59 pm - The Things That Are Gone
I had a birthday two weeks ago now. I normally don't make a big deal out of it. And frankly, most of my friends don't remember. It wasn't a huge deal. I don't like getting attention for my birthday.

I'm realizing as I get older, that the milestones in my life that I expected never manifested themselves, no matter how hard I worked to try and make them happen.

I'm still very internally bitter over my break up. I haven't seen anyone yet. I don't think I want a girlfriend in the future if I'm going to be treated with such a caviler attitude. I had a whole bitter blog post in my head about how I was treated and now that I actually have time, I only remember bits and pieces.

Life continues on. That's the lesson here. All of my wants are irrelevant. All my work in pursuit of anything I want is irrelevant.

So what is relevant?

I still have yet to figure that out. But life isn't the rush from doing something unexpected. Life isn't about the goals. Life isn't about the journey, the experiences, the memories.

Because anything that can bet taken from you isn't work trying to keep or working through.
31st-Jul-2013 11:23 am - The Things I Never Will Get To Say
I've been stewing for over a year now on this break up. I'm just really mad that I don't get to do anything about it other than complain. If you missed it, once again, my maybe-my-girlfriend-but-now-its-been-a-year-since-I've-been-abandoned, left me. So I'm single which I can totally be okay with, but I'm looking at the ruins that were left by her and all I can think about is the frustration most of the time, to which many of my friends are probably annoyed with me.

There are MORE friends in my life, but I can't really talk about it with them because it's just strange and they're straight and don't really have the issue of social anxiety and being LGBTQQA. I'm sure there are many who have the same social anxiety that I do, I just don't have a wide enough circle to be treated fairly and feel safe and talk about it and get to know someone.

But dealing with the emotional attachment of being abandoned has been harder than I think I'm willing to openly admit. I am reluctant to go to therapy to discuss it because frankly, talking about being stuck here in abandonment hasn't produced results with me. Though to my credit: my life still goes on. I still have things I love. It's just me not having that person to lean on when the moments get rough. It's a little weird hearing myself write and say that because I'm usually so space oriented. I have my space and everyone else has their space.

But what I want to say to her is nothing profound. And yet there is this wall. I have thrown myself against the wall, I've begged for the wall to come down. And nothing is going to change.

I really want to know where I went wrong, if I did anything wrong. It's not necessarily a validation of self worth as much as I'd like to understand if it was something I was unable to commit to. Can I change? Yes. Is it easy? No. Trying to open up and being accepting of myself as someone in the LGBTQQA community is not something I've been able to come to terms with. Not everyone in my life is willing to be understanding. I know my limits in my world.

But damn it, I wish I knew the answers to the questions. Even if it was entirely my fault.
1st-Mar-2013 10:44 pm - sometimes
I wish sometimes someone would just call me. I know things are over. But I still wish things would have changed. But I guess that's what I get.
15th-Oct-2012 10:26 pm - Broken hearts

Just realized that today is one year since I reached over for the first time and woke up with someone who wanted me sexually. And today has been rough. I have been responding badly to situations that needed better than exasperation.

I am troubled by my crumbling resolve to deal with my love life. I want to undo everything that has gone on in my life.

I just want that moment back. My heart hurts which is hard because it was never really someone else's to begin with.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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